


I realized I need you here (as desperate as that sounds)

by nanasteiger



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Future Fic, Lukas is a love sick puppy and I love him, Lukas moved to the city, M/M, Ryan Kane was caught and the boys were safe, They love each other so much, and it hasn't have an actual happy ending, but the ending is really open and there's hope, everything went fine, i haven't posted in a while so i can't remember how to tag things, mentions of physical/psychological abuse, oh it's a bit angst, only mentions tho, the boys are 23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 16:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8720188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanasteiger/pseuds/nanasteiger
Summary: "He hasn't seen Philip in almost four years."
Lukas moved to the city after the end of highschool and tried to never look back. The irony about his escape from Tivoli is that Philip didn't come with him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt to write in this fandom and first time in YEARS to write in general. I felt that this fandom needed a future!fic, where Ryan Kane is not problem anymore, Lukas moved to New York, came to terms with his sexuality and even if Philip is not in his life anymore he became a somewhat well-adjusted young man. But he still misses his first love and everything changes when he sees him again.   
> I wrote this at 3am and I still think is not that bad, a Christmas miracle.

New York is too bright at night to see the stars but having lived most part of his life in a small, dark town as Tivoli Lukas knows that the stars are there. Sometimes at night it seems like he has forgotten how they look like, how bright they can shine, how happy it used to make him the simple act of looking up and try to count them when he was a child. Living in New York, for a country boy as he is, wasn't easy at first. Noises were too loud, nights too long, mornings too fast, seasons too similar, people too empty. The city used to be a faraway dream that when became reality was too disappointing but at first, the first weeks, the first months, the first year, he didn't care. He was just too happy of being away from a place he was trying too hard not to call home anymore. 

He was just nineteen when he moved to the city, too young some might say, but he felt a hundred years old. The triple homicide made him grow up in a way he never wanted to, the lies, the secrets, the guilt, made him weak and then too strong all at once, too hard on his insides for his too soft skin. His dad didn't want him to leave, not because he wanted him to stay but because it was the right thing to do, because it was what was expected for him, of their family. At the end he didn't put too much of a fight, Lukas always thought that he couldn't handle this too, not only a queer but a traitor too. He called once or twice a year, checking on his studies and or wishing him a merry Christmas. Lukas didn't care anymore. 

Now he's twenty-three and he has a small job in a garage near campus even if he doesn't race anymore. He's good enough with motors but he still tries to get good grades and he honestly doesn't want to work with cars and bikes forever. In his last year in Tivoli he learned to dream bigger, to plan far ahead, to not care, and he just can't go back in a life where all that matters is his bike. Philip used to tell him that he was too smart to pretend he was a dumb jock and taught him to use at the fullest his potential. 

 

He hasn't seen Philip in almost four years. 

 

Thinking about him hurts still and Lukas hates him for that. The irony about his escape from Tivoli is that Philip didn't come with him. The summer before the start of his first semester at NYU Gabe and Helen sat them down and told them that Philip's mom had died of overdose and Philip just broke. He knew what was like to lose a parent but Anne was Philip's whole world and they spoke of leaving together again. They almost never spoke again at all. Lukas just left and sometimes he still can't forgive himself for that. 

He had a couple of relationships, some more serious that others, but it was never the same. Never the right punch in the gut, the same hurt in the chest, the same lighting, the same blessing.  They say the first love never goes away and Lukas doesn't know if he wants to believe it. He would like to love again but maybe he doesn't know how to love someone who isn't Philip. His therapist says that he feels this way because he never had the chance to really break up with him. Lukas thinks that he feels this way because Philip was his soulmate. 

 

_I still love him. I still want him in my life. I hate myself for leaving him. I hate him for letting me go. I love him. I miss him. I miss him so much. I need him. I can't love anyone else but him. I love him I love him I love him._

 

When he sees him on the train Lukas thinks he's dreaming. It happens sometimes, to dream of Philip, dreams of them just lying in bed, chatting of nonsense, of seeing him across the street, screaming to catch him attention and seeing him walk away, of a young Philip being murdered by Ryan Kane, over and over again, of them making dinner together in that dump that is his flat, having a normal life, being happy. 

But when he lungs and calls him, Philip looks his way and smiles at him. His hair are shorter, his face paler, but his eyes are kind as ever. Lukas thinks of what he may look like, it's almost lunch time and he's coming from the library, he has barely slept last night, he must have bags under his eyes, his clothes and hair a mess, his hands are still dirty of the oil he couldn't wash away last night after this shift at the garage. Philip gives him a once over that makes him shiver and laughs. Then the train stops, some get off, others get on, the rush is a fucking nightmare at this ungodly hour, and he just loses him. He knows he's awake, he can feel the pang of someone elbow in his ribs, his feet hurt like hell, his head and eyes are still pounding from the five hours of studying in a poor light in the ship spot he could grab at the library. He knows he is awake but that smile still feels like a dream. 

 

Lukas has to look for him after that. New York can feel like the biggest city on earth when you are looking for someone but in the end Philip is not that hard to find, even if before he had forced himself not to look. He feels stupid to search for "Philip Shae" on google (because he knows he's not on Facebook, not anymore) but after a couple of pages he's there. He has a small web page about photography and Lukas smiles when he goes through his portfolio. There are lots of pictures of Tivoli and he's actually managed to make her looks nice, a small postcard town, a little grey but almost romantic, a place to go if you want to find peace. There are small glimpses of the woods outside town, of New York, of places he's never seen, of people he's never met. They are beautiful and very very Philip. They all have this poetic shade of ancient, this ethereal atmosphere that makes them look old and original all at once. 

He finds a phone number, something to use if someone wants to buy a photograph or ask for a photoshoot. He saves it on his phone but he never calls him. 

 

He goes on with his life, he goes to school, to work, he goes out with friends, he kisses pretty boys, he takes them home, he does his groceries and laundries, he takes the same train every day, every week, for months like nothing has changed. The only thing that changed was the reset of his very personal count of days without Philip. 

 

He hasn't seen Philip in almost three months. 

 

"You sure you don't want to come?" 

Josh is one of only true friend he has made in the city. He has met him at the garage, because his pick-up is so old that he has probably spent the entire worth in gold of the thing trying to repair it. He says it has an emotional value greater than the money he used to spend, but he was there twice a month and it took almost a year before Lukas decided to give him his number and told him to stop coming to the garage and just call him when the damn thing broke down again.   

They became friends easily. Josh is nice, another country kid that made it out, he would always complain of the smog and the coffee, but he loves New York, he has the most incredible sense of direction and know lots of very strange people and pubs. 

"Nah man, I have a test new week, I need to study" 

The studying card usually works because Josh cares about his education, probably because he had to drop out of school after just a year because he couldn't afford it. But then Josh looks at him with sad eyes, he throws himself on the bed next to Lukas and begs again. 

"You can't miss it bro," he likes to call the people bro, it's unnerving and Lukas hates it so Josh just uses it more and more, "they are opening this new bar and it has free food, bro. It's finger-fucking-food. It's small, and delicious but importantly free. C'mon _bro_."

Lukas punches him because he has said _bro_ too many times but he's actually really hungry, he had to miss lunch and the free food is tempting. He knows that even if he stays home he won't study because of the headache that is threatening to grow at the base of his skull since when his dad has called two days before. 

When Lukas just gets up and starts dressing Josh just punches him and grins at him. They don't need to talk much and maybe this is one of the reasons they are so close. Josh doesn't ask about his life in Tivoli, doesn't know the Lukas he was back there, he doesn't pressure him to talk about what he did, who he was, why he's so sad sometimes. He once told him that he knows how hard can be for a gay person to grow up in a small town, he explain how his sister came out to him when he was just a kid, how she cried at night, how bullied she was, how depressed she got, how sad her funeral was when she killed herself. He just sits with him sometimes, pats him on the back, and says "it's alright, bro". 

"I'm coming just for the free food. If it sucks I'm coming back to my noodles." 

 

He sees Philip again that night. He's glad he has his blue shirt on because it brings out his eyes and this time he has brushed his hair. He feels seventeen again. Philip is across the room, too beautiful to be real, too lonely, just like his first days at school when no one would talk to him and even Lukas had to made up silly excuses to even get near him. The first time he had found the courage to talk to him was so embarrassing he still cringes at the memory. He had a full speech prepared, he wanted to be suave but subtle, cool but indifferent, but after the first "hey" he panicked and then he just blurted that he wanted to be filmed in the middle of the grocery store. Philip looked almost scared and then laughed right in his face. His laugh was the most perfect sound in the world, and even if he wanted to go and bury himself he still felt like his whole life was being torn apart, turn around, filled with colors, emptied of all the pain. Even if their life sucked for a long time after they first met he had always felt that way when they were together and when his feet decided to walk in his direction and his lips stared to move to form his name, he felt again that feeling. And he's happy he’s not seventeen anymore, he's braver now, he still had all the pride and the courage Philip gave him.

 

"Hey, I want you to film me" 

He laughs again. 

 

"Sure man, whatever floats your boat, I guess" 

Lukas had almost forgotten those words but he was glad that Philip could remember the day he made a complete ass of himself. They look at each other for a long time and when they reach for a hug Lukas feels like he can breathe again. Philip is always the perfect size to fit just right above his chin, his arms are a perfect weight around his hips, his cheek right above his heart. When they look at each other again they're smiling but Philip’s eyes are wet and Lukas feels like crying. 

 

"You wanna get out of here?" 

 

New York looks brighter and noisier than usual but if he looks up the sky is dark and spotless, no stars in sight. It feels so unreal to have Philip at his side, their hands intertwined, small talk and laughs, old jokes and new stories, a life together to remember and another unknown to discover. Lukas feels like a whole new person and the same kid from Tivoli. After almost five long years he talks about his dad to someone who is not his therapist and when he starts he feels like he could never stop. When they were kids talking about all the abuses felt awkward, now he just feels brave. He gesticulates wildly with one hand trying to explain, the psychological torture he had to live with every day for years, the physical pain from the wet towels or the belts. He stops often to remind Philip that he doesn't want to justify his bad behavior, when he does it three times in half an hour Philip laughs and pushes him without leaving his hand. He talks about reliving his coming out in a new, safer environment, how easier it should have been while he still felt like a total failure, how he started to see a psychologist to help him deal with all his huge emotional baggage. Philip listens to him and laughs with him and walks in circles with him and then just stops in the middle of the pavement. New Yorkers hate when you're not walking faster all the time, you can't just stop in the middle of the street, but Philip just tugs at him to pull him closer, looks at him like he's looking for something and then nods. 

When he starts to talk Lukas thinks that he's supposed to feel astonished but he's not. He talks about his mom, or better the absence of his mom. He's not mad at him for leaving him behind, he's glad he had the time to process and grieve and grow on his own. Helen still not feels like a real mother but she tries and she's still getting better, he tells stories of the two of them still learning about each other, of how they fight now that he's back in the city and how much he misses her and Gabe. How guilty he feels for not missing his real mom sometimes, for just being happy if she can't, how angry he's at her for dying, for not getting better, not even for him, not even to keep her promise. 

It's dawn when they stop. Lukas never wanted to stop. He has classes in a couple of hours, work in the afternoon, he has to study for next week's test and go back to his life again but he can't let Philip's hand go. 

 

_Kiss me. I can't lose you again. I still love you. I still miss you. I can't handle walking out your life again. I'd die. Please don't go. Please don't leave me. Please love me again. Please kiss me. I still love you. I've never stopped loving you. I can't love anyone else but you. I love you I love you I love you. Please please please._

 

New York is silent for just a second, if you find the right spot, in the right neighborhood, at the right hour, even the birds stay silent for that second. It can clear your mind just that second of silence after so many days lived in a constant chaos. Being with Philip feels like that lucky second of quiet. It feels like home. 

 

"I have to go home," Philip says "I have to go." 

"You are home."

 

 

He hasn't seen Philip in one minute. 

 


End file.
